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erokappa1

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So many thoughts and unanswered questions in my head.... [Dec. 4th, 2009|09:29 pm]
[Current Location |completeley lost]
[Current Mood | confused]
[Current Music |My Immortal and Hello by evanescence]

This is just going to be a runon type brain dump of what has been racing around in my head for the last few weeks. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings at all but I needed somewhere to voice my thoughts and to hopefully get advice or answers. So here goes:

What have I done to end up where I am in life? Why did I have to put my heart out again, I promised myself I never would again? Why did I have to be hurt again? I feel in my heart that I have found the right person but why are things not working out? Have I done something wrong? Is the person they are moving in with someone who they are interested in a relationship with? Why was I so stupid and showed my emotions and how I felt about someone? They said they loved me first but I was so nervous to say it back. I did because I thought it was real. Now I don't think it was. I don't know what I should think about it now. I thought they felt the same way and I was trying to find a way to get closer to them. Should I still look at moving to their state? Is it worth even looking into? Would we have a chance if I did move there? I would do anything for that person and I would give my life for them. Why do things have to be the way they are? Life is so complicated for both of us but I am trying everything I can to get to where I need to be to be with them. After enough failed relationships I should have known better than to even start anything last year and now I am hurt really bad because of it. I don't normally act like I did with this person and now I just feel used and tossed away. It is very painful and I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose the friendship because this person has always meant something to me and friends are so very important and valuable. I just don't know what to do?

The one time I actually want things to work out for me it does not happen. I would love advice but there is no one to give it to me.

So many questions in all this confusion....
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Poetry [Nov. 28th, 2009|05:11 pm]
[Current Location |lost]
[Current Mood | thoughtful]
[Current Music |Boulevard of Broken Dreams]

Again the same is said about my poetry: It is all mine and has been written throughout the years. Some of it might be able to be related to how I feel now but not saying.

Shattered

Shattered and dying inside
The pain alone is left
The last piece of my heart taken
Shredded in front of my eyes.
My hopes have disappeared
When I opened my heart
That was all my fault
She is quiet and thin
Quiet and shy
Everything that guys like
I am the exact opposite
Ugly, fat and not very quiet
Shyness is a quality never known.
Why you chose her is easy to see
But I'm left shattered and dying
Broken and crying alone
Just me alone with nothing.


Always Remember

I am hurt like never before
My pain has grown
She is pretty and quiet
And nothing like me
There was something once
But nothing there now
I must always remember
Girls like me can never be happy.


The One True Christmas Wish

My one true Christmas wish
Is not a special toy
But it in all its rarity
Will definitely bring real joy.

Money will not buy this gift
It can't be broken apart
No wrapping paper or bows
It comes wrapped in a heart.

This gift is truly unique
Usually staying hidden
Appearing to those lost
Hoping never to be forbidden.

My one true Christmas wish
No one knows but me
The same wish every year
One day to come true, maybe.
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This is kinda interesting [Nov. 11th, 2009|02:16 pm]
[Current Location |In the gutter :o)]
[Current Mood | horny]
[Current Music |None]

I was not tagged but sometimes I like these things :o)

Who sleeps in bed next to you? Sometimes my dog but otherwis it is just me and a giant stuffed Emil (from Ratatouille) who is holding a little stuffed Renji and Kumagoro. 

What did you last eat? Chili Cheese Fries and a cheese quesadilla.

What kind of books do you read? At the moment the Dresden Files, I love reading fantasy and sci-fi as well as vampire novels (but not the Twilight series!)

If you could be anywhere right now, where would it be? On the beach in Hawaii with someone who means the most to me enjoying a relaxing day in each other's company and reading.

What's really creepy?  Spiders and chows.

Name one odd item within five feet of you. A Spongebob lego playset.

What's your current fandom/obsession/addiction? Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Dresden Files, Doctor Who, Rat stuff!

What did you really want to do today that you didn't? Hop on a plane and fly away to another state for a while...oh wait that would require money and an airplane ticket.  Actually I wanted to read a bit this morning but overslept and did not have time. Maybe tonight

What are you most excited for? The Waters of Mars on Sunday. :D (I agree!!) as well as Monday when my mom goes back in for chemo. I will be able to have a week to do what  would like to do and not have to worry about playing chauffer to her.

What websites do you always visit when you go online? My email, facebook, LOLCats (and the other sites linked to it), Ebay (in the process of Christmas shopping), The Illustrated Rat, and AFF.

What was the last thing you bought? Two Disney pins off of Ebay for my dad and one he insisted I get for myself since it was celebrating Disney Store employees :o)

If you could have any pet, what would it be? A Gambian Pouched Rat, a corgi and a maine coon kitty!

Your past life Since I love them so much and bond with them so well I was probably a rat in a former life

What do you want right this minute, off the top of your head? Peace and quiet. Today there are 5 kids running around as they have the day off from school!!!

Where is the place you like to return to in order to calm down/relax/etc.? I love to go to the waterfalls or to the beach. Pretty much just taking time out in nature (preferably with water around even just rain) as it helps me relax. Otherwise I take a hot bath with a good book.

What's one thing that terrifies you that nobody else gets? Nothing really. Everyone seems to understand that I am just eclectic and weird.

What's something you'd like to say to someone right now? For a pastor of a church you are absolutely full of crap and should not be leading others!!!

Are there any bits of childhood that you miss? My old dog Ginger and my sister's dog Sugar and my kitty Gentile. My Smurf Pedal Car!

Say something to the person who tagged you. I wasn't tagged but I would like to say: Keep up the great work! You can reach your goals!!
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Ramblings of a heart... [Jul. 19th, 2009|12:30 pm]
[Current Location |confusion]
[Current Mood | uncomfortable]
[Current Music |Broken by Lifehouse]

I don't know how to form the words of how I am feeling right now. I guess I will just write and this will be a sort of rambling. I am scared to tell the one I care about what is going on in my mind and heart as well as what has bothered or upset me through the weeks as they will see me as what is going on in my life and decide that they don't want anything to do with me. There is only one person that truly matters in my life and the distance is so hard, both physical and otherwise. Feelings seem to not be the same and I understand but sometimes I get so confused. Things started out very well and things need to be sorted out and that is ok and I fully understand but I don't know how to show them that I will never leave and that they can trust me with anything in their life. If I had the money to do so I would up and leave the life I have here just to be closer to them because they are all that truly matters.

This is just one of those days that is harder than the others because of the lack of sleep and all the mental stress/confusion going on at the moment. Life just needs to work my way for once. I know that is selfish but this is so very hard and between the many hectic things going on here and the tugging on my heart to be elsewhere I feel completely torn. My patience is thin today but it is still there because I really truly love this person and am fully willing to wait for them if they decide to choose me. I know that if things don't ever work out then I am actually meant to be just friends and not to have that special someone.

Just needing to express what is going on in my heart at the moment because I don't know any other way to express myself. I don't want to hurt or upset anyone else and I don't want to chase away the only one that matters.  Of all the important things in my life only one matters and I am so scared that if I talk about what goes on in my life or my views and opinions on much of anything that I will cause that to leave. Oh well. This is just stuff I need to deal with and come to terms with.

Life will get better and turn out the way it is supposed to but I am not sure that I will ever like the answers.
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More Poetry [Jul. 17th, 2009|01:52 pm]
[Tags|]
[Current Location |little south of nowhere]
[Current Mood | indescribable]
[Current Music |Boulevard of Broken Dreams]

Another few...(again: most of my poems were written a few years ago when I went through a really rough time in life)

Pain Suffering and Confusion

The pain, suffering and confusion
Have taken control of my life
Without happiness nothing remains
I would give up everything
Just to be happy once again
That time has come and gone
I wish you knew how I feel
I watch you with someone else
And see you acting the same
Everything doubles in size
The pain, the suffering and the confusion.

Lost

I am lost in this life
Lost without my heart
The last piece remaining
Was stolen by you
You took without knowing
The damage you would do
Leaving with no reason
The confusion takes over
The pain is so strong
A life without meaning
Is all I have left
I will be lost forever
Wandering without a heart.

Loving Just One

Loving just one person
Opening my heart to him
Valuing the moments together
Inviting his love in return
Never knowing how he feels
Growing confused by the day

Joy comes when we are together
Until the next time my sweet
Saving my all for you
Trusting you never to hurt me

Once man is waiting to accept my heart
Never knowing the extent of true love
Ending living in happiness together.
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Poetry [Jul. 15th, 2009|11:02 am]
[Tags|]
[Current Location |lost]
[Current Mood | thoughtful]
[Current Music |Broken by Lifehouse]

I have decided that I would use my account to post some of my poetry and just let others read it. These are my true feelings at the times these were written and some of them are also how I feel now. I thought I would start with the ones that were a bit happier and then might also post some of the darker ones.

To The One Who Makes Me Smile

To the one who makes me smile
I will share my smiles with you
To the one who brings me joy
I will share my joy with you
To the one who listens to me
I will always be there for you
To the one who believes in me
I will always believe in you
And to the one who cares for me
I give my heart to you.


The Door

There was a door that blocked my heart
I built it there myself
The pain and hurt of caring
Had gone on way too long
Something had to be done
So I built that door
And swore never to open it
Then one day I met you
With your caring smile
You showed me how to care again
And that someone cared for me
Making a way to take the door down
Now that door is gone
My heart is open to you
To show the endless love
That holds my heart together.
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songs and the subject of marriage [Jun. 30th, 2009|01:30 pm]
[Current Location |deep in thoughts]
[Current Mood | thoughtful]
[Current Music |Broken by Lifehouse]

Going through songs to add to my online playlist today I came across Broken by Lifehouse. I really like this band and songs that seem to have meaning to me. This song expresses how I have felt many times in life. Even at the moment this seems to fit best. I am not necessarily broken but I am holding on to hope and taking it day by day. Definitely in pain there is healing. It is definitely worth the listen.

Recently the subject of marriage and if it has real importance or not was brought to my attention. To me marriage is committing to someone that you will love them and be with them only. Without marriage people are more apt to cheat and leave. I know they do this when they are married too but for some at least the commitment to one person is stronger. Marriage is working together to share your lives and all that happens. When you truly love someone, you want to spend your life with them and share everything.

Some people should not have ever gotten married, like my sister and her ex; while others should have separated years ago like my parents. If you are miserable with that person then things need to change. Divorce is now an option more than it was in the past but it is still not an "easy out" to marriage. Marriage is compromise and agreement and love. If there is a serious problem then it needs to be worked out and if that is not possible after many options are tried then maybe separation is best. It is important to remember that if you are unhappy in a relationship, it not only affects the people directly involved but the kids (if their are any). My parents are a good example of this. They got back together because of me. The fighting did not go away but it did decrease. Now they both are too stubborn to realize that they need to compromise on stuff and go to counseling.

I want to be married someday, but I will make sure that it is not like my parents. IT will be my relationship and my love not theirs. It will be up to me and the other person to make things work out. Love is the key to it all and from there also needs to be communication and compromise. It helps if you know deep in your heart that you truly love and care about the person no matter what. Trust is another very important key factor in a marriage. If you do not trust the person, then it is not worth even taking the relationship to this final major step. You should be happy with each other and love needs to be there for that to happen.

These are just my thoughts. When you find that right person you want to spend forever with them and marriage helps bind the relationship together.


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TV and Books [May. 28th, 2009|03:18 pm]
[Current Location |slightly this side of stressed]
[Current Mood | lethargic]
[Current Music |Soulmate by Natasha Bettingfield]

Last night I was watching a repeat of the tv show Scrubs. The medical terms are most likely just there to sound like a medical show but there is lots of humor and each episode actually has something to be learned. I have decided that I truly enjoy the show because it deals with situations that happen in real life but puts them in a different setting than real life. Sure these things would happen in a hospital setting too but the underlying morals to the stories can definitely be attached to things that happen in my life. Not every episode is that way but for the most part the stories are funny too. Definitely a series that I would not mind owning at some point. 

I also have been watching older episodes of Bones. It is interesting to see the relationship between Booth and Brennan grow over the years as well as how the team learns to work together to solve the cases. This is definitely a good role for David Boreanaz.  This show gives him a chance to show a bit more of his true acting talent as he is quite good. He got to show a dark and scary side of his talent when he did the movie Valentine which is classified as a horror movie. The twist at the end is good. 

Today I received my monthly Borders email and one of the books sounds really interesting. June is Sci-Fi month so they talk about the latest sci-fi book choices that are out there. Monster actually sounds like one to add to my to read list. I also might be interested in reading Red-headed Stepchild. Both are more about the supernatural and things like vampires, yetis and mages. I tend to lean more towards the mythical creatures when it comes to reading. In August the second book in the Alpha and Omega series by Patricia Briggs comes out and they are also going to make graphic novels for the Mercedes Thompson series. That should be interesting. Patricia Briggs is an amazing author of wonderful books that flow very well and pull the reader in.

As things stand right now though I need to finish book 5 and 6 in the Noble Dead series then my reading list consists of:
The Dresden Files novels
Tales of the Slayer novels
The Lost Slayer
The Joe Grey mysteries
The Serenity graphic novels
The Vampire Files series (reading again as it has been many years and I love it) (not to be confused with Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles)

and the list keeps growing as I find more I want to read. This is not including the stories by Dextrousleftie that I am reading on Adultfanfiction.net. She is an amazing author that always writes great stories. I think I might like a job where I am paid to read the books I want to read :o) hmmm wonder if anyone is looking for a reader before they publish the books to get a good opinion on them :o) 

ok back to books and snuggling with my rats...
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Wonderful Saiyuki Story! [Apr. 9th, 2009|02:22 pm]
[Current Location |nice sunny day]
[Current Mood | refreshed]
[Current Music |Vertical Horizon!]

Finally a new chapter was posted for Beautiful Broken Evolution! It was so good! I have been following this story for the last two years when I stumbled across it. If anyone is a fan of Saiyuki and yaoi I highly recommend it! This author is very good at keeping the characters "in character" as well as making a story flow and change. I can totally see how the characters grow and change as well as deal with things like love. There is sex in this story and some very steamy scenes but also there is much plot! Also the descriptions of Hakkuryu in different forms are just amazing. The link leads to the whole story so far as well as side stories in the same universe. The story takes place as the characters journey to India and all the stuff that happens on the road there. A definite must read for the true die hard Saiyuki fan!

Ahh the warm fuzzies from the last chapter and the realizations that Sanzo has :o)
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Thoughts and such [Apr. 8th, 2009|12:27 pm]
[Current Location |swimming pool/hottub]
[Current Mood | peaceful]
[Current Music |Vertical Horizon!]

Talking with my brother's ex last night I discovered some things about myself. Mainly when it comes to something bothering me or when I am having a bad day. Found out that I need the time to vent about it and then I can totally let it go and move on. Without being able to vent on whatever is bothering me, it will eat away until it gets worse. Most times I just need a few minutes to get it off my chest and then am ready to go on with whatever is going on around me or with those important in my life. I also got another chance to look back on past relationships and realized what was wrong with them. Stupid hind sight is always 20/20 :o) This time I won't be making the same mistakes and know a bit more than I did when I was much younger. 30 is coming up on me and I actually do not dread it anymore and this has been a good year for me so far. It looks very promising compared to the last several years of my life. The main two things that need to work out are moving out from home and getting a really good job (or any job at the moment :o) Other than that for the most part things are on the upnote. There are still bad days and frustrations but that happens in everyone's life. I have figured out that when I get moved out of my parent's house all of the drama that goes on around me will calm down. It is hard living in a house with 10 people but we are slowly working it out.

My mom is recovering from her knee surgery yesterday and should be back to normal by the end of the week which will be good.

On the subject of reading material, the book series I am reading is getting better and better as it goes. Fortunately it is a six book series and all six books have been released. The main two characters are on a search now to discover the Dhamphir's past and birth. They found out that there were many creatures sacrificed to help in her creation and that there is a dark purpose for her existence even though we don't know what it is yet. After they discover her past they are going to save the half-elf's mother from the elves who want to kill her. There is much action and a small love building between the two main characters which is actually really sweet. It is minor compared to the rest of the story though. I recommend this series to anyone who likes vampire stories with action.

I am also reading Wild Adaptor which is a manga by the author of Saiyuki. It is much darker than Saiyuki but is still very good. Wild Adaptor is a drug that brings out the primal instincts in the people who use it. They pretty much turn into beasts and kill people. The main character looks a lot like Hakkai from Saiyuki but a bit younger. He ends up bringing home this guy about his age that has amnesia as well as the hand of a beast. They are dealing with all of the things that lead up to finding out more about the drug and who is releasing it. I am trying to keep up as new volumes are released in the USA but sometimes it is hard :o) Definitely recommend the series.

Also reading some stories online at adultfanfiction.net. The author is Dextrousleftie and the stories are great. I am actually reading her original works at the moment and they are very good. I recommend this author to anyone who likes a decent story that is not PWP. This author actually builds a story and has a lot of talent for it.

Music that is always on my to listen to list would be Vertical Horizon and Evanescence. My three favorite songs by Vertical Horizon are Shackled, You're a God and Forever. Finding Me is also a good song as well as most of the other stuff they do.
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Randomness of thoughts and such... [Mar. 30th, 2009|05:13 pm]
[Current Mood | indescribable]

Frustrating day today as I had a fight with the embroidery machine. Stupid thing has decided that it doesnt want to do anything correctly. It acts like the tension is off and it has to be fixed. Hopefully will get 36 blankets done tomorrow. Only got 20 done today. Other than that it has been a good day. There is just too much blue in the puzzle I am working. It is all that is left to work as the rest of it has been done. The background is various shades of blue for the nighttime sky. It is the Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene. 

Last night while the girl rats were out I was eating some Wheat Thins. Three of the girls got together and looked like they were talking in the center of the room then they split off in separate ways so I did not think anything of it. The three girls were Monkey, Sis and Oreo. All of a sudden Sis and Monkey were on the back of the TV, playing on the dvd player. I set the bag of wheat thins down and got up to get them down because they know they are not supposed tobe up there. I picked them up and turned around just in time to see Oreo backing out of the bag with a cracker in her mouth! I called her name and she took off running with the cracker. Sis and Monkey took a flying leap out of my arms onto the futon, then followed Oreo. They went back to the far corner behind the futon and shared the cracker together.

This made me think of my dear Liziferd Marie who used to plan things with my dog. The dog would distract me and Lizi would get into my food, therefore causing me to share it with her and the dog. Someday I will have to write the Lizi adventures or something. She was a very smart and unique girl. She is greatly missed but never forgotten and always loved. 

The boy rats were also really playful last night and wanted to play tickle games. I would tickle them and they would take off running, then sneak up behind me on the floor and nip at my behind or run up on the futon and pull my hair (neither was very hard :o) They would then run back to me to be tickled again. The boys are so much better behaved than the girls :o) 

Swim lessons start up again tonight and I am excited. I have missed the two weeks off. Wont have the same instructors but it will still be fun and good exercise. 

Absolutely enjoying book 3 of the Noble Dead series. The story is great so far and I like the fact that the authors are husband and wife :o) This shows that spouses can do some things together. 

Been doing lots of thinking and self evaluating and just in general reflection over past relationships and such. They mostly sucked but had some good parts but all of them helped to make me the person I am now. Unfortunately there are still some insecurities that need to be dealt with but that is a day by day thing that I need to deal with :o) Sometimes life lessons are hard. I usually want to rush head first into something but sometimes they need to be handled with care and taken slow. Oh well Time will tell all.....*evil laughter*

My house is driving me crazy. There is no time for myself at the moment. Hopefully things will work out soon so that I can get my own place. Job searching is supposed to be easier with a degree but now that I have one I have not noticed a difference yet. The job market is really bad and there are 112,000 people without jobs right now just in Oregon alone. Most of those have happened since January. Oh well such is life. At least I am earning money for my new computer by helping out with the embroidery. But the question now is "computer or mini vacation?" hmm both sound good at the moment :o) 

Pardon the ramblings as they needed to venture out from my head for a bit. Not sure yet what I should and should not talk about here so am just rambling and keeping it random at the moment. Wont share any truly deep thoughts that I know of. 
 

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Sad news and happy news [Mar. 8th, 2009|09:08 pm]
Sad news first: One of my rats went to the rainbow bridge tonight. She was 2 years old and she was missing her sister died about 2 weeks ago. She will be missed very much. There are 14 girls in the cage that also miss her very much.

Now for the good news:
The newest XMen movie will be out May 1st!!! The previews are up online and it covers the history of Wolverine! All the way back to his childhood in the 1880s. If anyone has read the Wolverine Origins comic about his childhood. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Origin_(comics) It also shows that his claws were originally bone. Some people I have talked to thought that the claws were put in with the adamantium but if they covered all of his bones in adamantium then that would also mean that the claws were there before the weapon X stuff.

Here is the link to the movie preview!!
http://xmenfilms.net/blog/?p=3696 and the main website http://www.x-menorigins.com/us/

Some of the awesome characters that are in the movie: Silverfox, Gambit, Sabertooth, Deadpool and a young Ororo/Storm. I am so excited to see this!! They did not make Gambit's eyes the way they truly are but in some of the comics he wears contacts to cover the black in his eyes where the whites are normally. But that is totally ok! He is still hot. I cant wait to see how well they pulled him off. You can definitely tell that they have taken liberties with the characters but we shall see how bad when the movie comes out :o) I CANT WAIT!!  Love me some Wolverine! (even before the movies came out and Hugh Jackman made him so hot!!)

PS I also found out that the book that was labeled as book 5 in the Noble Dead series is actually book one. It said in the back of the book that it was book 5 which was the final book in the series and it was wrong. I have let the author know about the printing error. On the main website for this series they have it labeled as book one. So I will start the series tonight! YAY!!
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Book Stuff [Mar. 6th, 2009|10:00 pm]
[Current Location |1958 in Chicago :o)]
[Current Mood | thankful]

Well to start off today was much better. After a full breakdown and lots of rattie love as well as a nice phone call :o) I am doing much better. My parents and I sat down and talked about things and we shall see how things will go from here. Now on to books conversation:

First of all the wonderful author Patricia Briggs will be continuing both series which I have become fully hooked on. The Mercy series is about a mechanic who is a skin-walker. She was raised by werewolves as well as living with one and next door to the Alpha of the local pack and one of her close friends is a vampire. There is much about all of the different types of mythical creatures from werewolves to vampires to the fae which covers gremlins, elves and all of the other things in legend like that. These books are set in the Tri-Cities in Washington and at one point there is a trip to Montana to visit the head of the werewolves of North America.
The first four in the series have been released: Moon Called, Blood Bound, Iron Kissed and Bone Crossed. Book 5 will come out in 2010! YAY!

The other series takes place in the same time frame as the Mercy series but in Montana. The first book is Cry Wolf and the second one will come out in August this year. This series covers the story of Anna who was forced to become a werewolf and then tortured by the pack who changed her. She is actually an Omega wolf, which is a female wolf who is able to soothe other wolves. She is a peacemaker for the most part. She ends up getting rescued from the really bad pack by the Marrock and his son. The Marrock is the leader of all of the werewolf packs of North America. This is a great book and has the same fast flow as the Mercy series. Here is the site to have a look at all of the books by Patricia Briggs.

http://www.patriciabriggs.com/books/books.shtml

Will write more on other books later. Am going to go read one of the books in the Vampire Files :o) by P. N. Elrod
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Random crap that is happening. [Mar. 5th, 2009|06:32 pm]
[Current Mood | depressed]

I guess that I could use this as a journal like someone would a real notebook one. There has been so much crap going on around here and I feel like I am suffocating. I WANT OUT! I live with my parents, my brother plus his 5 kids, and a friend who is on his way to becoming just an aquaintance. There has been nothing but fighting going on around me and I have been constantly yelled at for stuff I either did but not the way that they wanted it done or did not do at all. My parents both have displacement issues and when they get mad at someone else they take it out on me! I did not do anything wrong! I tried to call my sister to go to her house for a bit just to get out of all the crap here but she said no because she did not want any drama. She is the queen of it! I wish mine would go away and when I try to get away from it, it only gets worse. I just wanted a friend to talk to about the crap that is bothering me and to vent some frustrations but that friend moved away because she was not with her family and felt that she could not survive. Now that she is with them she has forgotten everyone else that mattered unless they are computer friends. 

I got into a nasty fight with my mom a bit ago because I told her I was tired of being a doormat to everyone because she called me a selfish bitch. I am just tired of trying to please everyone all at once and not thinking about what I want. I am sorry if that pisses people off but for once I would like to put my wants and needs before those of my family. I have always been there to pick my sister up drunk from the bar since I was old enough to go in them. I have helped my brother and his girlfriend raise their 5 kids over the last several years. Is it so bad to want some time for myself? and to have my own life for a bit? I was told that the only things that mattered to me anymore were my pet rats and my boyfriend. There is more that matters to me but my nerves are shot. I want my space and my privacy to live my life without people treating me like I am a child.

I was told that I am to always think about how good I have it and to think of those less fortunate. I agree with that and think that way most of the time but sometimes I gotta think about my stuff. Like the fact that I am almost 30 living with my parents. I have not had a job since September and have been working temporary jobs for the last 3 years except for Disney. My unemployment is about to run out and I don't know how I am going to pay for the necessities like my phone and pet food and gas. My savings will only go about a month more. I understand that there are days when things way so much on you that the pressure is almost physical. Those days a person just needs some space to do things to make them feel better.

If this is basically what my friend JC was feeling like when he killed himself then I can see why he did. I am not saying that it was the right choice to make or that I would make that choice myself but I understand now how he felt. The pressure of life sometimes gets to people and others need to understand that. Everyone has a breaking point and some of us reach ours. I will get better it is just a rough day following a rough period of time. Things will be better tomorrow and so on :o)

If you have read this thank you for taking the time and allowing me to vent.
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Word association meme [Mar. 3rd, 2009|11:42 am]
[Current Location |edge of lost...]
[Current Mood | thoughtful]

Association Meme: Comment to this post and I will give you 5 subjects/things I associate you with. Then post this in your LJ and elaborate on the subjects given.

1) Werewolves
A series of books that I am reading. It is written by Patricia Briggs. There are actually two series that she is writing now that have werewolves as well as many other mythical creatures. In one series the main character is actually a “skin-walker” who turns into a coyote. She is dating the alpha of the local werewolf pack as well as having been raised by the Marrock who is the werewolf leader of the entire North American werewolves. This series takes place in the Tri-Cities in Washington.

 

The other series takes place in Montana and the main pack that follows the Marrock where he lives. The main characters in this are one of the Marrock’s sons and his mate who is an omega werewolf. She is someone who helps soothe the others. Both series are very good and this is an amazing author. Patricia Briggs has helped to stir my interest in the many mythological creatures of history.


2) Vampires
Anne rice is one of my all-time favorite authors. Her Vampire Chronicles were my first main reading about vampires. I have since loved to read vampire stories and study them throughout history. They are one of the most romantic of the mythical evil creatures.

 

Then there is Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV series). This is a truly great series and everyone should at least see it once. Angel was the spin-off and that was almost as good. The vampire character of Spike (James Marsters) is one of the sexiest vampires ever created! Joss Whedon is brilliant when it comes to creating characters. Spike is the epitome of vampire hotness. He has the bad boy thing working for him but he is actually a really caring guy when it comes to the person he loves. A definite must see!


3) Rats
At this moment I have 21 as pets. They are very intelligent and are a big passion in my life. I have had rats as pets for five years now and they have been a wonderful learning experience for everyone who has come into my life. There is a chat group on Yahoo that is called Ratlist and has almost 3,000 members at the moment. I have been able to make friends all around the world through these wonderful pets. These are definitely a pet that will be a part of my life throughout the rest of it. I also like to collect rat stuff like stuffed animals and jewelry.

 

At some point I will also get my rat tattoo :o)


4) Doggehs!
Right now I live with three dogs and help my sister take care of her four. Dog shows are actually really interesting to watch. I love to identify different dog breeds, as I have liked reading up on dog breeds since I was little. My dog right now is an American Eskimo named Ginger and is the second dog I have owned. My first dog was a German Shepard/black lab/rottweiler/collie mix also named Ginger. There is an interesting story (at least to my dad and I) in regards to having two dogs with the same name. It was really just a fluke. The first Ginger looked like a gingersnap cookie and the Humane Society named the second one because she walked very gingerly. Someday I would like to own a Corgi and name it Ein :o)


5) Cosplaying

This is so much fun to do! I have dressed up at least two years to go to the local Anime convention. I am trying to figure out whom to cosplay as this year for the convention if I get to go! Pretty much dress up is so much fun and to pretend to be someone else with lots of others is great! Sometimes though it is hard to stay in character when you are dressed up. I dressed up as Matsumoto from Bleach in 2006 and as Orihime from Bleach in 2008. One character that might be fun to go as would be Faye from Cowboy Bebop or Lenalee from D-Gray Man. I have also thought of going as Robin from Witch Hunter Robin. Time will tell who I go as though :o) YAY for COSPLAY!
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